Still fixing the pieces

I'm still wading through the mess that is postpartum depression. Medications all have their side effects and with how little sleep I'm getting, the side effects are just too much to ride out at this point. So I'm back to square one. At least I finally have a supportive doctor and am getting physical therapy for my girly bits (nerve damage!). Sadly I also have a small hole in my perineum from a bad stitch job... That hurts quite a bit still. The plan for that is to hopefully fix it with baby #2 (HA! Maybe....) or see a plastic surgeon if we decide another child is not going to happen.

A few things have helped in the meantime: I'm getting out more (making new Mommy friends/keeping busy even if I'm really really tired), watching Chewy grow up more and more, getting a promotion at work (yeah!), and re-finding myself. I do that a lot. I feel like I, unintentionally, change myself to fit my surroundings. It's not really me and I lose myself. Then I realize I've lost myself and start to rein me back in. I wish I knew how to keep that from happening but I think that's a big part of my personality - adaptability.

I don't want to rush my poor baby's life, but what also helps is that I truly look forward to doing things with him. Day trips to the apple orchards, pumpkin picking, farms, bounce houses, bike rides, mini-golf, movies, you name it! Babies are sweet, but there's really not a whole lot they can do but eat, cry, sleep, pee/poop. Then they start getting in to things and getting mad because they want to move and can't, yet. They're all sweet times to remember but I shall not look fondly back at them (not for a while, anyway) and that's ok. Thanks to other Bloggies, I learned that it's completely OK to not like infancy. I love other people's babies, but I do not love this stage for my own. As we get farther from this stage, I think my PPD is waning. So, it does get better, but it just takes a while. Better, or different, it will change. And I look forward to that.