Breastfeeding sucks

Dear breastfeeding,
You suck. Or, rather, I should be saying...

Dear body,
You suck at making milk. You suck at processing fenugreek (every time I take this, I bleed like someone poked a quarter-sized hole in my heart. It's not pretty and it actually hurts.) Back to dear breastfeeding, though: You promised me this great bond with my son (which I love!) but then the milk always struggled to come. You promised weightloss - ha, liar! I've gained weight! Society makes you look so simple, easy, and right. However, breastfeeding (for me) was horrific at the beginning and then never really got better. I WISH I could make more milk and exclusively feed my child. I really do. He loves to be on me and I love looking down at him while I provide for him - there's just something so magnificent about it. I can do that with a bottle, too, but it's just not the same. As I write this, my son is 4 months old and my milk production is literally 2 - 4 oz a day. If I'm lucky.

Sigh.

It really never turns out like you want it to.

(P.S. I've sought help from lactation consultants, dietitians, taken herbs, had my thyroid tested, had my HCH levels checked, etc etc etc and still continue to struggle. I've pumped for 20 mins where nothing will come out but still pump anyway to try and trigger something. But alas, I get nil.)

No love,
Liz